I’ve been trying to get this out for two days now. Honestly, I don’t know how to put down the feelings that are clouding up my head. At the risk of being redundant I’m going to start this the way it keeps starting in my head and I’m going to hope to doesn’t read as lame as it sounds in my melon. Here goes nothing…..
Every morning I wake up, grab my bra, slip into my panties, tights, skirt, top, and onto my makeup table. I look at myself in the mirror as I apply foundation, eye shadow, liner, mascara, finishing powder. I stare into that mirror, and wonder who exactly it is I am looking at. She’s kind of pretty, well, I think she’s kind of pretty, but who is she? As a child I spent a lot of time fantasizing. What else is there really to do when you have no friends? I used to spend hours thinking about growing up to be this beautiful woman who had an amazing life. I grew up on Much Music(Canadian MTV). I watched Janet Jackson, and Gwen Stefani, Courtney Love. I watched them, their clothes, their attitude, I wanted it. I knew it wasn’t right for me to feel that way, I was a boy, and boys don’t do those things. Honestly, I didn’t care, but I kept it to myself. I watched T.v. shows and movies. Anything for Love, Boy Meets World, I saw boys being girls, people being accepting, taking them for who they are and I thought, maybe? Those were the things that made life bearable. Those shining moments when all the torment of the outside world, those feelings of being one against the world, would melt away, even if it was fleeting. The good is always fleeting.
I sit in front of my mirror and wonder where she came from. How could she have come through everything that has happened. How did she follow me through hell. I’ve written about her. Been writing about her for years. Almost as long as I can remember. It’s been 27 years and she’s not just some poor boy’s fantasy anymore. She’s alive.
I was hanging out with some friends a couple weeks ago and they were joking about the things that would kill them by the time they were 40. I didn’t say anything. Just listened. At one point I was poked for not participating in the conversation. My response was that I’m already five years past my expiration. It’s so uncannily true. I didn’t think I would actually make it to 22. I figured I’d already be long since gone by now. Last year I almost was. Comes to that old saying: If I knew then what I know now… I would’ve started this process a long time ago.
It’s been a heavy week. Couple weeks, actually. I spend a lot of time ruminating on why people feel the need to be so shitty to people they don’t even know. It’s never made sense to me. I’ve been called a freak all my life, among other things, but lately I’ve been thinking in comparison to what? Things are only what they are in contrast to something else. So what is my contrast? That question alone really strengthened my resolve. Like it needed it(I can be a real ornery bitch a lot of the time..). Still as much that rolls off, some still sticks, and that is what makes me ask why. These last few weeks these questions have been posing themselves far more often, and with far greater strength. Maybe in anticipation of the future.
Today I start Hormone Replacement Therapy. I picked up my new life long companions yesterday. I’ve heard more than one transwoman say that if you are having second thoughts, then don’t do it. I don’t have second thoughts. I’ve been thinking about this for a long time. That doesn’t mean I’m not scared. Fear isn’t always a bad thing. A little fear, I think, I good for you. It keeps you on your toes, keeps you asking questions. Well, it does for me at least. Today I am stepping off the bridge into uncharted territory. I don’t think I would be in my right mind if I wasn’t a bit frightened. As much as I have read, and listened to, and watched, I have no idea what is going to happen once I start down this rabbit hole. This is a forever deal, and that is something I am not totally accustomed to. Maybe it’ll help me better understand the girl in the mirror. I’ve been feeling happier in the past seven months, but maybe this’ll put me closer to that realm where everyone else seems to be. Where I can be happy without waiting for that inevitable knock out punch. This picture is from today. It’s my last pre-hormonal picture. They say things will change. Let us see just how much. I need to go to bed now. Catch you all on the other side.